Beauty in the Breakdown

Those are the words I repeat each and everyday in the hopes of getting better.

Who am I trying to forget? Those who brought me sadness. For example my ex-boyfriend. oh yea he sucks. He hurt me and made me hurt myself. Now I look back (with a little help from my best friend) and see he was and still is worthless. The things he did were not worth even a pint of the tears I shed because of him. The crazy thing is i keep dragging myself to him, whether it be by memory or physical encounter. I can never bring myself to forget him.

He is just one of many people I need to forget. People that made me cry because of their words or actions. Those people aren’t worth my time anymore. They are long gone…thank heavens they are. If I kept those toxic relationships who knows where I would be.

My best friend (Stanley) told me something that has been engraved in my memory…I have never lived in the now. My whole life has just been my past and future. The reason being is the fact that there was a while where my now was just way to painful. I needed to escape it by thinking of what passed and what was to come. Now that I have no pain I must stop thinking of my extremely painful past. My now looks so beautiful. It is full of laughter and friendships. 

See a friend of mine (Janet) was sharing a very sad and petty moment with me. In this moment I said that I felt like relapsing to my sadness (something that occurs more often then not) She said that she did not want that. That she loves the new me that smiles and cares about things and dresses like a girl and cracks jokes. Those words made my whole year. I finally realized that is the actual me. The me I always wanted to be. I am Jaslyn, the funny and happy girl. Not the girl that used to cut herself and was diagnosed mildly depressed.

That happiness comes from the slow recovery and my acceptance of my present and disregard for my past. Thank you Stanley and Janet for making me realize that my present is just plain awesome. I actually have crushes on people without thinking of my ex-boyfriend or whether or not he cares. F Him!

I’m proud to say I have moved on.

What is my past? I wouldn’t know.

Peace. Love. Rock and Roll.