Beauty in the Breakdown
When Things Resurface.
This is for the things that happened that were out of my control.
At the age of five not one thought of being provocative crosses your mind. You never ask for it. But for some reason i found myself being the object of your sick fantasy. You creeped to corners of a place I knew as sanctuary to undress me and check the advancements of my non-existent development. My chest became your playground. And they never knew.
Upon your death they wiped you out like you were never even born. I don’t even remember your name. I even forgot what you did…life just kept hitting me in the face.
It wasn’t until I was eighteen witnessing events so close to me that I realized…this happened. It was real. It definitely want a dream.
This memory was hidden in the deep corners of my mind, it came back in flashes and now I’m thinking: how did this affect my life?
It takes a lot for me to allow someone to touch me. I have to keep reminding myself that they won’t hurt me, even if I want them to touch me. Their touches feel too foreign sometimes, I walk away.
Contrary to that, I have stripped down for the eyes of people that wished to devour me…it was only after I closed my screen that shame washed over me and the beauty I felt completely washed away. It was false, I wanted to feel wanted.
I just felt more and more empty.
My childhood was out of my control, but now I am capable of stopping the uncomfortable feeling before it even happens. I will not let this repressed memory scare me from the caresses of those close to me, those that don’t wish to harm me…only to please.
This is extremely personal, but I am not alone. This is for those that fear judgement.
Peace. Love. Rock and Roll.